Broken
by Idan
Summary: "I know you think I'm being unreasonable because I've always known you were a cop. But you always knew I was broken." Self-therapy after 7x10, Nothing Gold Can Stay. Chapter 2 added with minor spoilers for the 7x11 promo.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: If they were mine, we wouldn't be in this state.

**Author's Note**: I can't wait a week to see how they work this out. I have to fix it now. So here's my hasty "bubble gum and baling twine" solution, thrown together when I was supposed to be working. Hopefully I'm not going over the exact same ground as any of the other tags already out there.

And in my head canon, Wylie at least has his cat buddy to go home to.

* * *

Lisbon stared at Jane in disbelief as he drew back, his lips leaving the briefest of imprints on her cheek. All the times she'd thought he'd broken her heart, it turned out she'd been wrong. None of them compared to this. This was what heartbreak really felt like. She felt like she might throw up. "Now? You're leaving now?" she called after him.

He stopped, turned halfway, and looked at his feet. "No. I…have some things to work out first. But I need some time. You should, ah, you should go with the team." He tilted his head in the direction of the parked cars, where Abbott, Cho, and Wylie were waiting.

It was traditional for a dead cop's buddies to go for a drink after the funeral, and Lisbon wasn't going to dishonor Vega's memory by skipping out on it, no matter her personal problems. They both knew that.

"Yeah, I…guess I should." She swallowed, feeling like she was going to burst into tears any second. But she wouldn't. Now was not the time or the place to cry for herself.

"I'll see you later," Jane promised.

Well, that was something, anyway. Lisbon nodded, not trusting her voice, and left him to go join her team.

She tried hard not to think that Jane was probably taking it as a sign.

mmm

The wake fell flat, not from any lack of affection or respect, but from a realization that in the end, they hadn't known Vega that long. They got through all their stories about her too quickly, and then there was nothing left to do but drink. And Lisbon wasn't going to have more than two. She knew where that rabbit hole led, and today she was hurt and angry and bewildered enough to fall in it if she let her guard down for one moment.

Cho was silent, wrapped up in his own world of hurt and regret. She knew he was probably replaying the sequence of events over and over, looking for the moment he could have stopped it. He would do that off and on for the rest of his life, she realized. For all that she wanted him to succeed, she had never wanted him to shoulder that particular burden.

And Wylie was just heartbroken, and therefore heartbreaking. What could she say to him in the midst of her own troubles? That maybe relationships weren't all they were cracked up to be and he'd be better off alone in the long run? No. She didn't even believe that, really. She was sad Wylie and Vega had never gotten their chance. Even if they had botched it like she and Jane seemed to be doing, at least they'd know they'd tried. And maybe they'd have lasted, like Rigsby and Van Pelt.

Abbott was looking around the table with a badly concealed air of distress. His departure was now coming at the worst possible time, and he knew it. He was still responsible for them but couldn't do anything to help them. He must feel powerless, something he wasn't used to.

She wasn't accomplishing anything here. She needed to go talk to Jane, see if she could get through to him now that the emotions from the funeral had had time to fade a little.

"I'm sorry guys, but I need to go," she said, getting up.

They got up with her; she thought they were relieved for the excuse, actually. She hugged Wylie and Cho, who left together. She hoped Cho would find some comfort in looking after Wylie.

She walked out with Abbott, who was silent until they reached his car. "You need a ride?" he asked.

"I can get a cab."

"No, I'll take you. Out to Jane's?"

"If you don't mind." She winced a little, but then, it wasn't unusual for her to want to go comfort a friend, right?

"No problem at all." Abbott didn't speak again until they were both safely in the car and he was on a main road with little traffic. "Is he going to be all right?"

"Jane?" She shrugged, looking out the window. "He took it pretty hard."

"Yeah, I noticed. Each loss opens up all the old ones." He sighed a little, and she wondered what losses he was thinking of in his own past. "It can make you appreciate the people left in your life, or it can make you a miserable mess thinking about the what-ifs. I'd guess he's in the latter category."

Lisbon didn't reply. It wasn't really a question, after all.

"I'm not looking to pry into your personal life, Teresa," he said after a moment. "I'm just concerned. About the both of you. I don't…I don't want this tragedy to cause another. And I know there's been some tension lately. Just…all I want to say is, sometimes it's not about who's right. Sometimes it's about who has the ability to address the problem."

Lisbon turned that over in her head. Of course Jane had the ability to address the problem. He knew how to direct his own thoughts, his own feelings, didn't he? He could make himself accept the risks and move on. Except that he hadn't, though she was willing to admit he had probably tried.

"Some things just can't be fixed," he'd said to her once. He'd meant himself, she knew. She'd thought he was making so much progress, learning to be happy again. What she hadn't thought about was that his prior happiness had ended in sudden destruction. That association was too strong to be gotten over in the few months they'd had together. No wonder he'd seemed to get more and more jumpy as they'd grown closer. And now he'd worked himself into a state of agitation so painful that the only solution he could come up with was to either get himself killed, or leave.

She wanted to strangle him for his selfishness, but at the same time, she hated herself for not picking up on the extent of his distress sooner. Her glib advice to live in the moment wasn't a solution; it was a brush off, a way of not dealing with the problem. She expected him to change while refusing to change herself.

Well, not that he'd changed all that much, really. He was still wearing the ring, after all. What was he really offering her in exchange for her job? She wanted a firm commitment if she was going to upend her life, she realized. And he wasn't ready for that. Where did that leave them? If she let him go now, would he miss her enough to come back again someday? Would she wait, let herself in for all that hurt again if he came back?

No, probably not. There was only so much heartbreak anyone could take. Jane may have reached his limit, but so had she.

They pulled up to the Airstream, and Lisbon took her seatbelt off and paused. "Thanks," she said.

"Let me know if I can help," Abbott replied.

She couldn't imagine how, but she was grateful for his offer. "I will."

"See you in a few days."

"Take care." She got out and closed the SUV's door carefully, then headed for the Airstream.

Jane didn't look up when she entered; he was sitting at the table in his shirtsleeves and vest, writing something. A half-full cup of tea sat neglected beside the paper.

"Hey," she said.

"How was it?" His voice was hoarse, but he seemed calmer. Or maybe just worn out.

She ignored the question, because he probably already knew. "I feel like we should talk."

"Yes. Of course we should." His tone was devoid of hope, though. "Have a seat."

She did, glancing down at the paper. It looked like a letter. "Writing to Pete and Sam?"

"No. To you. I thought…it might help me organize my thoughts. And maybe say some things I haven't been able to."

"Oh." Maybe she should try it. They could sit here across from each other, feet nearly touching, and write to each other. It seemed silly, but maybe it really was easier to write things, to get them out without the other person's reactions.

Jane put his pen down and sighed, looking at her for the first time since she'd come in. "I want to give you everything you want. And I'm sorry I can't be the man you need."

Okay, that was right to the point, she thought. "You are the man I need. I…I think I might not be the woman you need, though."

He shook his head. "You are. You are. It's just that…I know you think I'm being unreasonable because I've always known you were a cop. But you always knew I was broken. This was…always going to require us both to compromise. To change some things. And I have tried, Teresa. Maybe not as much as I should have, and I haven't always been successful. I knew going in that this might not be a relationship I could maintain—I think that's part of why it took me so long to admit I was in love with you. I know the failing is mostly on my part, and that it's not fair to ask you to sacrifice for me, after years of sacrifices. But I…can't seem to get over the fear. In fact it just gets worse. And I've reached the point where I think I'm just going to make us both very unhappy, so maybe it's better if I just…stop."

Her heart ached, actually hurt physically. "You said I could come with you."

"But I know you won't," he said, looking down again.

"I might surprise you."

He gave a tight smile. "Now would be a good time. But I know it's asking a lot, and I'm not offering you much in return."

"I'm still waiting to hear what you are offering me," she pointed out.

He glanced up at her. "Whatever I can give. What do you need?"

"A firm commitment, for one thing. A promise you'll never leave me again."

"I can promise that."

"Can you really, Jane? Because you're ready to walk away from me over the hypothetical possibility I'll get killed on the job. What happens if ten years from now I get diagnosed with cancer and you have to face the possibility of me dying in slow motion? Can you handle that any better? Will you just walk away and leave me lying in the hospital?"

"No," he said, sounding horrified. "No."

"What's the difference? If it's that you can't face losing me, what's the difference between an illness and a bullet?"

"I…I'd…." He seemed to cast about for words. Then he looked at her. "I'd have time to prepare."

"Prepare how?" She had a nasty suspicion it involved hoarding drugs or making sure he had one of her guns handy.

"I don't know. But it wouldn't be…that shock. That moment where my whole life changes and there's nothing I can do about it. No goodbye. No chance to apologize or say things. And I'd know an illness wasn't my fault. Maybe that would help."

"Maybe," she repeated with a sinking feeling. She wasn't going to throw away her career for a maybe.

"I don't…have all the answers, Teresa."

"I can't run away from my life, Jane. I need something to run toward, if I'm going to run."

"I know. And I don't have anything specific to point to. Just…that I'll stick with you, through thick and thin. And that we can explore all the possibilities for our lives together. I'll never make you stay in a place without running water; you'll never want for anything. But I have to know that you're not taking any avoidable risks. I have to know that you care enough about my peace of mind to lead a more cautious life. I have to feel safe in this relationship. And I don't. Because you could destroy me so easily, at any minute, the way things are."

It was weird to think that this was actually Jane acting out of self-preservation, when he was usually so lacking in that. Walking into that house was the act of a man who didn't care whether he lived or died. But it was also the act of a man who cared desperately whether she did.

She'd thought he was jealous of her job because she had been choosing it over him, lately. And he wasn't used to that, because she'd certainly made different choices at the CBI.

A Bible verse drifted into her mind, the one about not being able to serve two masters. She could have Jane or she could have her job, but not, apparently, both. Whichever choice she made, she wouldn't be the Teresa Lisbon she'd been last week, the one trying to have it all. On the other side of this, she would be someone who had examined her life and declared her priority once and for all. No turning back.

The thought sickened her stomach, and she suddenly felt exhausted. "Can we…table this? Until tomorrow? Right now I…I'm sad and tired and I really just want to crawl into bed with you."

"Yeah." He reached for the rest of his tea and downed it in a single gulp, then got up and held out his hand to her. "That's a good idea."

They did the bare minimum of their nighttime routine and got into bed, settling in their usual position with Jane on his back and Lisbon curled up against his side, her hand over his heart. She would miss him so damn much if he left, she thought. She wasn't sure she could stand it.

"I'll talk to Abbott tomorrow," Jane murmured. "See if he can get me out of the contract. I don't want to be a fugitive again."

That was good. She hadn't even thought of that aspect of his leaving. "I think he'll help if he can. Doesn't seem fair to Cho, though."

"No," Jane said, sounding regretful. "It isn't fair to Cho. But he'll understand."

He probably would, Lisbon thought.

"I'm not going to just vanish, Lisbon." Jane sounded faintly aggrieved. "This isn't about me wanting to end our relationship. There's nothing I want less, in fact."

"Good. Me too," she said. "But I hate that you're making me choose."

"I know. I hate it too. I just…can't see any other way to go on that doesn't land me back in a mental health facility," he sighed.

"I don't want that for you. But I've never been one to bet what I can't afford to lose. And if I bet on you and we end up unhappy, then I've trashed my career—I won't be able to just go back to it. Where does that leave me?"

"You won't have trashed your career. You'll have left on good terms. You'll still have contacts. And if we part ways I will make sure you aren't desperate for money or anything. You can bide your time and choose the right fit for you." He gave an unhappy little harrumph. "What exactly is it you're anticipating would split us up? That you'll resent me?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"Because I'd like to point out that we've been through a lot together, and we've handled all of it. I have a high level of confidence that we can work through anything."

"You don't, or you wouldn't be handing me this ultimatum," Lisbon said, annoyed.

"It's not…it wasn't meant to be. I've told you what I need. It's your choice as to whether you're willing to give it. If you can't, I'll understand."

"But you'll leave me."

"I'll leave a situation that's unhealthy for me. But I'll never stop missing you. I'll never…leave you in my heart."

"So if I didn't go with you right away, but changed my mind later—"

"I'd happily welcome you whenever you decide to join me," he said. "Even if it's when you retire. I'll write you so you know where to find me and that I'm okay."

Lisbon thought back to all those nights on her couch in front of the fireplace, reading his letters and missing him. The thought of going back to that made her want to cry. "I don't want you to go," she murmured, tucking her face against his shoulder to blot the tears that were threatening to escape.

"I know. I'm sorry. I don't really want to go. But I can't stay." He reached up to stroke her hair. "I love you so much, Teresa. More than I'll ever find words to express. And maybe someday I'll be able to deal with the fear, but it's just not going to happen on any kind of timeline that lets me stay. I'm going crazy, little by little, every day. And I don't want to become a burden to you. I'd rather go, no matter how much it hurts, in the hope that someday I can be a better fit for you."

"I love you too. But what you're asking me…it's terrifying."

"I know. I'm sorry." He lowered his head to kiss hers. "But I will still love you no matter what you decide. For the rest of my life. There won't be anybody else." He shifted to his side so he could put an arm around her. "I won't ask you for the same promise. But I know this is it for me. And I'm grateful, no matter what happens. Because some people never find a true love, and I've had it twice."

She thought of Vega, who'd never had a chance to experience this, and all the cops she knew whose relationships had fallen apart because of the job. Some made it work, like the Abbotts, but a lot didn't. Maybe this wasn't so unusual, or so unreasonable of Jane. Maybe this was something she should have thought of before leaping into a relationship with him.

But how could she have told him no? She was in love with him, had been for nearly half her adult life at this point. If he walked away, her heart would go with him. It wouldn't be in the job anymore, if it had ever been.

And there was her answer. There was really no choice, because she had to go where her heart was. And that was with Jane. But God, she was scared. She was so scared she was shaking with it.

"What's the matter?" Jane asked, shifting so he could hold her with both arms. "Teresa?"

"I…I want to be with you. But it feels like jumping off a cliff."

He held her more tightly. "If we ever jump off a cliff, Teresa, I promise you, I'll have hidden a parachute under my jacket and it'll just turn out to be your first-ever base jumping experience."

Lisbon snorted. "You have an answer for everything, don't you?"

"Most things." He kissed her forehead. "Come talk to Abbott with me tomorrow. Let's see if we can choreograph an exit that you can live with, or at least consider living with. Talk to Cho, see how he feels. Let's…explore what we want for the next chapter of our lives. I'm open to anything that doesn't involve you regularly facing sudden death, okay?"

"Okay. That might take some time, though. Are you okay with that?"

"If you promise me you will be more careful than usual. That you won't brush me off if I ask you not to do something."

Given the results the last time she'd done it, she wasn't about to repeat the experience if she could help it. "Okay. I promise to give you a fair hearing."

"Just so you know, 'it's my job' isn't a good enough reason to do something in my book. Not when there are twenty other officers around who could do it instead."

She'd just have to hope there weren't going to be any more hostage standoffs in the near future. "Understood."

"And I will…I will try harder to live in the moment. Not to let my past control my feelings so much."

"Thank you. And try to think seriously about what you want to do next. Not beekeeping or sailing around the world kind of stuff, but where we would live, what we would do for a living."

"I will be happy to make up a blueprint for how we might build a life together, but you need to do the same," he replied.

"I will." She had no idea what she wanted, except to maybe buy a house together. Get a dog. Think about children, even. It all sounded like something Jane would think was boring, except he'd done it once, so he must have wanted it, right?

"And to seal our agreement," Jane said formally, rolling away from her despite her grunt of protest, "I will make a gesture in good faith." He held up his left hand and tugged at his ring.

Lisbon held her breath. Well, she'd wanted commitment. "Are you sure you're ready?" She'd been so sure he wasn't.

"I'm…ready to think about our future. That means letting go of my past, at least partly. I'm definitely not ready to lose you, and I want you to have no doubts that I'm wholly committed to you. While we're thinking about our next steps, I don't want this to be in the way." He tucked it into the little pocket on his pajama top.

She slid an arm across his ribcage and snuggled up to his side. That must have been hard for him, she knew. The fact that he was willing to do it meant he was serious about everything he'd said. If he could do this difficult and painful thing, she could do something difficult and painful too. She could decide that yes, he would be her priority. That she would protect him from hurt by protecting herself from danger.

"If I took a position that didn't involve fieldwork, would that be enough? Or do you feel like we have to leave Austin completely?"

"I'm open to staying as long as you're not in danger."

"Okay. Then I'll talk to Abbott about other jobs. See what my options are."

"Thank you." He turned his head to kiss her. "It's going to be good, Lisbon. We'll make something good."

"Yes, we will," she agreed, because anything else was too painful to think about.

They both still had fears and doubts to overcome, she thought. But as long as they worked on them together, she had hope they'd make it.

She just had to remember he was broken. Not irreparably, though. Like his teacup, he needed a little special care to remain functional. She could do that.

And in the process, she might find a few of her own cracks mended.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes: **So I thought they weren't quite done talking yet, considering the promo for 7x11. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter!

**Chapter 2**

The next morning, Jane woke with the sunrise. Lisbon still slept, exhausted from grief and emotional turmoil. She was holding on to his upper arm with both small strong hands, her expression troubled, and he realized she'd had as difficult a night as he had.

His heart went out to her. He'd never meant to hurt her again, but he'd managed to anyway. He could never be the strong partner she needed. He could never even pretend to be; he'd tried, and failed.

Maybe she would be better off without him. But he didn't want to break her heart again. If they were going to end this, it had to be her choice. He had to give her that. He had to give her as much as he could, even if it wasn't enough.

Besides, he didn't think he could walk away from her again. In the rush of grief at the funeral, he'd thought he could. But today, lying beside her listening to her breathe, he knew it would be like ripping his own heart out.

Carefully rolling to his side, he kissed her forehead and whispered her name. She seemed to relax, and he put an arm around her and held her, closing his eyes and thinking hard.

He loved her. All of her, even the parts that made her such a great cop. Maybe especially those parts, he admitted. Which just made it even more unfair for him to ask her to give up the job she was so good at and loved so much. He hated himself for being too weak to do as she asked and ignore the danger.

And yet she was considering changing jobs for him. She loved him that much. He was humbled and terrified by this evidence of the depth of her love, which he could never be worthy of. But since he wasn't strong enough to leave her, he'd have to pour his own heart into making her happy. He had to ensure she never regretted choosing him. He had to offer her a life so joyful and fulfilling that she never missed being an FBI agent.

He had to love her with his whole heart and stop hiding part of himself away. He had to stop clinging to his pain because he was afraid to let go of it, to find out who he was without it.

He just had no idea how to do that. But he suspected the only way to make sure he didn't pick it up again once he'd let go of it was to hang on to something else. Someone else.

Lisbon grumbled a little in her sleep and rolled over, burying her face in the pillow and taking the covers with her. Despite his somber thoughts, Jane smiled. She wasn't the easiest of bedmates. But then, he probably wasn't either.

He took it as his cue to get up, putting the kettle on. It was too early to call Abbott on a day when he wasn't working, so Jane decided to text. _I need to meet with you today. Lunch? My treat._

The response came so quickly that Jane knew Abbott had already been awake. _Breakfast. I have a flight to DC at 11. Lou's diner at 8._

_See you there. _Jane realized he was going to need to wake Lisbon, but not yet. He would let her sleep as long as he could.

They were all supposed to be resting, after all. The team was on stand down for a few days, to give them time to recover and regroup—and for the powers that be to assign a new rookie, Jane thought with a pang. Abbott was going to spend time with his wife, of course. Cho was probably going to pound out his regrets at the gym and lose himself in a good book. Wylie would probably find consolation in a video game.

And he and Lisbon needed to get away and think about their future. She didn't want the luxurious trip he'd planned, but she wouldn't object to a simple, no frills road trip.

Some place nice.

mmm

An hour later, Jane pulled the Airstream into the diner parking lot while Lisbon finished drying her hair. He hoped she was coming to see some of the advantages of his home on wheels, though he doubted she'd ever be a fan.

She was ready by the time he turned off the engine, and he held the door while she descended the steps. Then he followed her, locking up and offering her his hand, relieved when she took it. At least if they left the FBI, there would be no more need for secrecy, he thought.

They found Abbott sipping coffee in a corner booth. "Good morning," he greeted them, his expression more grave than usual.

Lisbon sat, her eyes glued to the coffee cup. "How are you doing?" she asked, her voice soft with compassion.

Jane waved the waitress over before sitting down.

Abbott sighed a little. "About as you'd expect. Not really in the mood to go house hunting, but I'll be glad to see Lena. How are you two?"

Lisbon glanced at Jane. "We're okay."

Jane turned to the approaching waitress and ordered a coffee with cream and sugar and a cup of Earl Grey. Then he looked at Abbott. "Funerals have a way of putting things in perspective."

"Yes, they do," Abbott said. "But a smart man like you knows that pain can skew that perspective. It's not a good time to make life-altering decisions."

"Rest assured neither of us will make any hasty decisions," Jane said, trying to keep his tone neutral so Lisbon wouldn't take it as impatience.

"But you're thinking of making changes." Abbott leaned back in his seat. "That's natural. It may even be necessary; obviously this team can't continue as we have been with your...conflict of interest."

"No," Jane agreed. "I've never made it a secret that I worked in law enforcement only for my own ends. It no longer serves my purpose, and in fact works against my peace of mind. I need to find a way out that doesn't make me a fugitive."

Abbott took a sip of his coffee. "Because you're worried someday it will be Lisbon."

"Yes. And I...I can't face that."

Lisbon said, "I'd like to see what other positions might be available with less field work. But I don't want to leave Cho in the lurch."

"Don't worry about Cho. I have a feeling he won't mind putting his own team together, as you did at the CBI," Abbott said. "And to be frank, his job might be easier without Jane. The only concern I've heard about his leadership is that their long association might mean he'd give Jane too much latitude."

He might at that, Jane reflected. Cho had always been up for one of his schemes, since the very beginning. Of course, Abbott had given him plenty of latitude, so he didn't see why that would be a concern.

"I'm starved. Let's eat," Abbott said.

They ordered, and Abbott said, "So, Jane, if Lisbon's safety wasn't an issue, would you consider staying?"

He shook his head. "I'm tired of death. I'm tired of seeing all the terrible things people do to each other for petty reasons. I need to move on, and I can't do that if I'm continually looking at murder victims and dealing with sociopaths. I want to...find some happiness in the world. That means cutting back on the death and misery."

"I hear you," Abbott sighed. "I feel the same way myself, some days."

"I want to be a better person," Jane said. "A more honest and stable person. This job brings out the conman in me. I can't leave that behind if I'm continually being forced to use those traits."

Lisbon was giving him a look of surprise and dawning realization. Well, he couldn't blame her for not realizing what a handicap the job was to his efforts to leave his past behind. He'd never articulated it before, and Lisbon viewed her job in such positive terms that she rarely if ever thought about the downsides.

"Look," Abbott said, "I can't claim to be objective here. I'm giving up a job I enjoy for the sake of my wife's career. But she's made sacrifices for me too. It's a give and take. It has to be. So whatever decisions you two make, just make sure you do it together."

"We're trying," Jane said.

"Take some time," Abbott advised. "Think it through."

"How much time?" Lisbon asked.

"A week. Then we'll talk. Okay?"

"Okay," she said.

"Fine," Jane said. "But I want you to know I don't think I'll be back."

Abbott shook his head. "Don't say I told you this. But get a psychiatrist to declare the job is exacerbating your PTSD. You can go out on disability."

Jane wondered why he hadn't thought of that. Possibly because he despised doctors of all stripes, but especially shrinks, and this plan involved talking to one, probably more than once.

"Lisbon, I'll look around for you. You'd be great at training, and you have administrative experience, so you should have plenty of options. Are you set on staying in Austin?"

"Not set on it, no," she said.

"That should make it even easier. I'll see what I can find."

"Thank you." Lisbon looked uncertain, but she wasn't nervous anymore. Jane knew that Abbott's understanding and tacit approval had gone a long way to reassuring her.

The rest was up to him.

mmm

They didn't go far, settling the Airstream into a camping spot near Lake Travis. They might run down to the coast later, but Jane didn't want to spend a lot of time driving. He wanted Lisbon to relax and get comfortable enough to really talk.

They ate dinner outside and admired the lake at sunset. Jane tried not to be obvious about observing Lisbon, but he got caught up in admiring how the golden light made her eyes even greener until she rolled them at him and said, "Stop staring, Jane."

"Sorry. But you are my favorite thing to look at."

"Flatterer."

"For once I am telling the unvarnished truth."

She smiled. "Good. Keep it up." Then she looked closely at him. "Don't think I don't know what you're doing."

He had to smile. She was getting very good at reading him. "I'm sitting here admiring my beautiful girlfriend."

"You're trying to get me to relax so we can talk. You think there are things I haven't told you."

"Aren't there?"

"Yeah. But there are things you haven't told me, too."

"I'll admit that. But I want to tell you everything. Maybe you'll trust me a little more if I answer all your questions."

"Maybe I'll trust you a little more if you stop talking about leaving me," she muttered, looking out over the water.

"I'm here," he pointed out.

"Only because I gave in to your demand that I change jobs."

"It wasn't a demand."

"Ultimatum, then." She seemed annoyed, yes, but also resigned. He didn't think she was changing her mind, but she was trying to make a point.

"Heartfelt request," he offered as a better description. "If you were a smoker and I developed asthma and asked you to quit or I'd have to move out, would you call that an ultimatum?"

"It's not the same thing."

"It seems an apt analogy to me."

"Of course it does."

He didn't care for her tone. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"You're never wrong, are you?"

"I am occasionally wrong, as you are perfectly aware." Jane took a deep breath to get himself firmly under control. "Teresa, I want us both to feel safe here. To know we can say anything to each other because beneath the hurt and frustration and anger, we both want this relationship to succeed. At least, I do."

"You think I don't? I'm not the one who's threatening to leave!"

She was already mad, he thought. He might as well say what he'd been wanting to. "No, you're the one using your job to keep this relationship from getting to the point where it might break your heart."

"Screw you, Jane," she spat. "We got there a long time ago. A long time ago."

"You've been using your job to sabotage relationships ever since you ran from Greg so you wouldn't end up like your father. So you wouldn't end up broken."

"When did you become a shrink?" Her mocking tone cut at him, but he'd expected that kind of reaction.

"I'm not saying this to hurt you."

"No, just to distract me from telling you how selfish you're being."

"If it makes you feel better, I'll stipulate to being a selfish bastard."

"How generous of you."

Jane was quiet for a moment. This wasn't the conversation he'd hoped to have. Maybe he should wait for a better opportunity. "What do you need me to say, Teresa?"

"Don't you know?"

"If I did, I'd already have said it." He sighed. "I'm guessing it's something along the lines of 'I'll never leave you again.'"

"Except you tried to just yesterday, so there's no way I'd believe you."

"I'm sorry for that. I was...overwhelmed. Not thinking clearly. I realized this morning there was no way I could leave you again. Not for long, anyway. It wouldn't hurt less if you died when I wasn't there. I'd probably drive myself crazy with guilt for not having been there to protect you."

She frowned curiously at him. "So if I decided to keep my job, you'd stay?"

Jane sighed. "Yes, Teresa. I would let you drive me slowly, permanently insane if you demanded it."

She looked at him for a long time, then reached out her hand to him. He took it immediately.

"I'd never ask that, Jane. I just...I guess I needed to hear that I'm not the only one prepared to make sacrifices for this relationship."

"You're not. This, us, is my priority, Teresa." He looked her in the eye so she could see his sincerity.

"Mine too," she said, swallowing hard. "You...you might have had a point, before. I don't know. Maybe I did use my job to avoid having serious relationships and getting hurt." She shrugged, then added, "If that's true, though, the joke's on me, right? Since my job brought us together."

"True." He had to smile at that.

They sat for a few minutes in the darkness, the sun having set unnoticed while they talked. Then Lisbon said, "Let's go in. I'm getting a little chilly."

Jane got up, pulling her into a hug. "I bet I can warm you up."

"No bet," she replied, leaning against him.

mmm

After they made love, Jane tucked her into his arms and held her, grateful beyond words that she was still with him. "I love you," he whispered.

"Mm. Love you too," she said, dropping a little kiss on his neck.

"I won't ask you to live here, you know."

"Good. This bed is crap, Jane," she yawned.

"I don't really like yours either," he admitted.

"You want a harder mattress? Maybe we should get one that lets us set our side the way we want."

"Not a bad idea," he said. "I'd like something a little bigger, too."

"A king size won't fit in that room."

"I wouldn't mind a bigger room, too."

Lisbon stopped breathing. "You want to get a place together?"

"Yes. I'd like us to buy a nice house and make a home together. Is that something you want?"

She whispered, "Yes."

"I'd still like to travel on vacations, but I want to make a stable, secure life with you," Jane said.

"Me too," she said.

"Would it make you more sure of my commitment if I gave you a ring?" His heart pounded as he waited for her answer.

Lisbon froze. "Is...that what you want?"

"Ultimately, yes. I assumed all along we would get married when we're ready."

"Is that...are you asking me now?" Her voice shook a little.

"No. Not right now. I'll do it properly," he assured her. "But, ah, if you plan on saying no, you could let me know ahead of time so I don't make a fool of myself. I'd really appreciate it."

"And deprive you of the fun of changing my mind?" she murmured.

"It's hard to have fun with a broken heart," he said.

"Yes, I'm aware."

He kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry."

"Just don't do it again," she yawned.

mmm

Three days later, Jane woke to sunlight streaming in and Lisbon huddled under the covers, only a few strands of hair showing. He smiled, tugging on a corner of the sheet to tease her. The growl that emerged made him grin, but he decided to get out of bed before he really woke her. She'd had enough of the Airstream by now, and he intended to walk to the little diner just outside the campground and get her a cup of fancy coffee before suggesting they relocate to a lovely hotel by the ocean.

He quickly dressed, wrote her a note sealed with a kiss, and stepped outside, stretching as he soaked up the sunshine and crisp morning air. It was a beautiful day, one he got to spend with Lisbon talking about their future. It reminded him a bit of the days he'd spent with Angela planning their escape from the carnival, only he was older and wiser this time.

He enjoyed his walk, returning with his offering in a paper cup with a spring in his step. As he neared the Airstream, though, he heard the familiar sounds of Lisbon's cell ringing.

The dread that settled over him refused to be lifted by his desperate theorizing that it was one of her brothers calling, or even Grace. He stopped at the door, listening.

"Yes, sir. Okay," he heard her say in her all-business voice, strong and clear. "It's going to take me an hour or so. Jane? I...I don't know. I'll ask, but..."

The uncertainty in her voice pained him.

He stood there, thinking furiously, until he heard the shower come on. Then he went inside, set her coffee on the table, and went back out, leaning against a nearby tree.

When Lisbon emerged, fully dressed and coffee in hand, he looked up and tried to smile.

She looked like she was bracing herself for disappointment. "Abbott called. We have a case."

"We're supposed to be off work," he pointed out.

"I know. But apparently this case involves a psychic."

Jane's heart sank. That sounded like a legitimate reason to call them in. "No such thing," he said, to buy himself time.

"A fake," she amended. "Of course. Abbott wants your input. But if he can't have that, he at least needs mine. I have some insight into the tricks of the trade."

"Yes, you do." He smiled fondly at her.

"So, uh...will you come?" She bit her lip.

Jane sighed. "Lisbon, a case involving a fake psychic isn't going to help me become a better, more honest man."

She nodded, not looking at him. "Okay. Should I call a cab?"

"No. I'll take you." He wasn't ready to watch her leave him.

"Thanks." She hesitated, then hugged him. "I'm sorry."

He hugged her back. "Be safe, Teresa."

"Can I call you? If I have questions or need some advice?"

"You can always call me for anything," he told her.

Her voice was muffled against his shoulder as she said, "I'll miss you."

He would miss her terribly, he knew. And who would look after her, make sure she ate decently and didn't overdose on coffee? Make sure she didn't break down the door of someone who would be all too likely to shoot at her?

She was safer when he was with her, he thought. How could he not do everything in his power to keep her safe? He would go crazy sitting around wondering what she was doing and if it was too dangerous.

"I'll go with you," he sighed.

Lisbon pulled back to look at him. "Really?"

"Yes. If you're going to be in the field, I'm going to be there too, looking for any oncoming trains."

"I'll try to stay off the tracks," she promised, her smile bright with relief. "Thank you."

He ushered her back to the Airstream. "When you're rolling your eyes at my brilliant plan, I'm going to remind you you said that."

"Fair enough." She turned around on the steps to give him a kiss.

Then they went inside together.


End file.
